One of them killed his younger brothers in an effort to secure himself as the leader of the family as well as his nation. One of them was very good-looking and presumed he would be king despite the fact that he should have known better. The other two were priests who had illicit sexual contact with multiple women. What did these men have in common? They all were sons of men who are generally thought of as “good.”
Jehoram, a son of Jehoshaphat, killed his brothers—men who, according to God were better than he—in an attempt to secure himself as king of Judah by removing the competition (2 Chronicles 21). Adonijah, as the fourth son of David but oldest living son, presumed he should be king instead of Solomon and schemed to take the throne from his brother despite God’s injunction that He was the one who decided who the king would be (2 Kings 1; Deuteronomy 17:15). And, Hophni and Phinehas, sons of Eli, “made themselves vile” (1 Samuel 3:13) and were known to be “corrupt” (1 Samuel 2:12), despite being installed as priests in the tradition of their father.
How could these events have transpired given the caliber of their parents? After all, it is written that Jehoshaphat “sought the Lord with all his heart” (2 Chronicles 22:9). He “walked in His commandments,” had his kingdom “established by the Lord,” and “his heart took delight in the ways of the Lord” (2 Chronicles 17:4-6). David was “a man after God’s own heart” (Acts 13:22). And Eli was both the high priest and judge of Israel who tutored Samuel in ministry (1 Samuel 1-2). How is it that these great men’s children turned out so badly?
The Bible mentions specifically that Eli did not rebuke his sons (1 Samuel 3:13) nor did David rebuke Adonijah (1 Kings 1:6). The implication is that they did not seize the opportunity to remove the foolishness that is bound up in the heart of their children (Proverbs 22:15) and as such they became a shame (and in Eli’s case, a curse) to their families (Proverbs 29:15). While foolishness in young children is to be expected and often has limited consequences, ultimately, children grow up! Parents of young children have the incredible responsibility of training and nurturing young people who will eventually grow up to be men and women. While children are young and moldable, they must be trained to become men and women of character and integrity—lest they learn from someone else or have to figure out from the “school of hard knocks” a way to get by in this pilgrimage we call life. If the folly of youth is not replaced with biblical wisdom then everyone is the worse for it: the child suffers as an adult, his suffering and foolishness affect those around him—including the parents who brought him into this world, and society suffers because one who should be a productive member of society is instead a burden (Proverbs 19:3).
What can be done? I suggest we take a hard look at parenting the hearts of our children. By that, I mean we need to look deeper than just concentrating on the behaviors of our children and instead dig into their attitudes and beliefs. I believe we must express our unconditional love for our children while establishing biblical boundaries—and be sure that they understand both the love and the boundaries. And I recommend we recapture the responsibility to accomplish this through natural, as opposed to, artificial means—which means spending quantity time with them.
Attitudes over Behaviors—It Takes Time
Have you ever embarrassed your family or your parents by something you have done? Has your child ever returned the favor by embarrassing you with some public incident? Have you ever experienced a situation where your child “acted out” in public and brought unwanted attention to themselves—and you? Our first reaction may be to stamp out the behavior—to go after the child’s actions. And while there are certainly instances where that is the correct response or reaction, the old adage “an ounce of prevention is worth more than a pound of cure” comes to mind. Responding to a child’s behavior in an effort to squelch that particular manifestation of the folly in the child’s heart is not the same as being proactive and driving the folly from the child’s heart through consistent effort and discipline.
In the book The Dad in the Mirror, the authors called focusing on a child’s heart instead of only on their behaviors “digging up the roots of sin, not picking off apples and taping up oranges.” It makes sense. As human beings, we are inclined to concentrate on and even limit our attention to getting rid of unacceptable behaviors. We look at the outward appearance, but God looks at the heart (1 Samuel 16:7). We see our children misbehaving (publicly or privately) and we work to modify that behavior. It’s like the old weed killers that only kill the foliage above ground—eventually the weeds come back. Actions come from within, and as water provides a reflection of a person’s face, one’s actions ultimately reflect the true person hidden within his heart (Proverbs 27:19). The heart is the wellspring from which the issues of life come forth (Proverbs 4:23). Those issues will either be good or bad depending on what is put into or allowed to reside in the heart (Matthew 12:34-35). Wouldn’t we do well to give attention to securing our children’s hearts, changing their attitudes, and molding their beliefs rather than limiting our efforts to stopping what is unacceptable? We need to get beyond the futile belief that just because our children say and do the right thing in public or when we are around that everything must be fine and instead start getting to know that hidden person of the heart (1 Peter 3:4) as well.
In order to dig deeper and get at the root of our children’s behavior we must get to know them. Getting to know anyone takes time—lots of time—spent talking, laughing, loving, problem-solving, and playing. It requires parents to make manifest the love that they have for their children—that means it must be expressed beyond just words. Children are not pets—they need much more than food, water, a warm bed, and an occasional pat on the head or scratch behind the ears! Kids need to see, feel, and understand the unconditional love parent should have for them.
Unconditional Love and Developing Boundaries
When you think of Alex Rodriguez, Kobe Bryant, Tom Brady, Andy Roddick, David Beckham, or Tiger Woods, what do you think about? While some of you may be thinking, “overpaid sports star” what I want you to think about is how their compensation is directly tied to their performance. The point is that they are paid based on how well they perform—or have performed in the past. They are but extreme examples of the society in which we live. In most instances, we are valued based on what we “bring to the table,” what we can do for someone else, what we can produce, or what benefit we are to society. However, is there a place where performance should not be the driver to how successful one is or how loved one feels? The answer is “yes” and the place is within the home. Home should be a safe haven—a place where kids can go and know that they are loved for who they are—not for what they do.
When children believe (know) they are loved they are much more likely to share thoughts and feelings. If they know how much their parents care, they are more interested in caring what their parents know. They actually welcome the interaction! They know they do not have to make every decision with which they are faced and that they have at least one person (or two people) on their side—an advocate, if you will. Children know they are not perfect—they hear about it constantly from their peers and others. What they need is to know that they are still loved despite their imperfection—they need to know the love the Father Himself modeled for us (in that while we were yet sinners Christ died for us).
In conjunction with the unconditional love that needs to be evident to children, they also need to be aware of their boundaries. Most babies relish bundling—wrapping them in a blanket so that their arms and legs are not flailing around. They like the warmth and security of the cocoon their mom or dad makes for them. My recommendation: Don’t stop bundling! Children thrive in an environment where they understand there are limitations on what they are allowed to do—and as a result there is security in knowing they will only be faced with decisions and issues which they can handle.
Corrie Ten Boom, author of The Hiding Place, described how she had the opportunity to travel with her dad by train on one of his jobs. As an inquisitive youth, she seized the opportunity to ask her dad many questions about mature topics. In his wisdom, her dad told her that some of the things she wanted to know about were topics she was not quite ready to hear and process. After they arrived at their destination, he brought the lesson home to her by asking her to carry his bag. She explained that he knew she could not carry his bag—she simply was not strong enough or ready to carry it yet. As he picked up and carried his own bag he replied that she would be able to carry his bag one day, and that likewise there would come a day when she could handle the answers to the questions she had asked. This wise father understood the need for limits—a time and place for everything.
If all our children understand is that “Dad or Mom said do this and don’t do this” but they do not understand why, they are apt to want to do the wrong and avoid the right all the more. They will begin to doubt our wisdom and begin to believe we are keeping them from having fun instead of looking out for their best interests. Just like you wouldn’t bundle a teenager, make sure that as they grow and mature their boundaries grow with them. As they take on more responsibility, allow them a little more liberty (within the confines of biblical principles).
Parenting the heart is about much more than ensuring our kids say and do all the right things. It’s about giving attention to developing the attitudes and beliefs that ultimately dictate their behavior. It’s about modeling the love of the Heavenly Father by showing unconditional love, always being available to our kids, and developing boundaries that foster a healthy environment for their growth—physical, mental, emotional, and spiritual.
Parenting the heart takes a serious and intentional investment of time, but the returns are worth it in the long run. If you could ask Jehoshaphat, David, or Eli, I bet they’d tell you the same thing.
