Editors’ Note: This diary entry—dated April 6, 2008—is from an actual faithful Christian. This is a strong reminder that all men have sinned, and that no sin is beyond the power of God’s forgiveness. We pray that this true account will help someone else struggling with the decision about the future of an unborn child. [Due to the length, we have cut the entry down to fit space constraints.]

Dear Diary,

It has been a long time since I wrote in this diary. It seems not too long ago actually. How do I begin to express myself now about something that happened so long ago? I was in my early twenties, still in college. It seemed to me at the time that nothing bad could ever happen to me. I had met someone outside the church, but I was confident that that would change. I believed I could not be hurt, boy was I so wrong. It happened gradually, too. Little by little I was worn down to nothing. I gave in to something that I didn’t even know was stalking me.

You know I don’t think I actually want to write about all of this, but I believe now that something bigger, more important than me is at stake. There are girls out there just like I was who don’t know the bad in this world. They think as I did. “It isn’t really that bad is it?” Well, it is far worse.

I had an abortion to try and protect myself from the inconvenience and shame. I didn’t think my parents would understand and they would be disappointed. I’d be like the other girls I’d heard about or knew.

I was convinced by the boy I’d given my virginity to that is was the best thing; no one would ever know. What an incredible lie it all is! I remember paying the boy back for the abortion after it was over. I remember the net tailgate of the truck in front of us as we traveled back to the university dorm. I knew it was all so wrong.

I couldn’t eat that day even though they had said you must eat before you have the pain killer or you will get sick. I wanted to be sick. It was the least I could do for what I did to the baby. (I felt everything that day because I’d thrown up all the medicine).  The sound was so awful as they took what I believed to be my baby boy.

I wonder now if the young man with me remembers and if he regrets like I do? How smart the little baby would’ve been—like my other children full of curiosity, so innocent. And look what I did. He wasn’t mine to do with what I wanted, he was God’s—not mine. The sin was mine, after the baby was conceived, he was God’s not mine. Why did I think I could kill him—to take care of my sin? It only makes more sin. People say its pro-choice—what baloney. It isn’t our choice at all and it certainly isn’t pro. God is so wise in everything.

I read that if we trust Him for all our choices He won’t disappoint. He tells us not to fornicate or have sexual intercourse (1 Corinthians 6:9 and 1 Corinthians 5) outside of the marriage and what do we do? We say, “I want to anyway and we have sinful relations and get pregnant, then we kill the babies and think it will make it better? Wow! We have really stopped thinking if we actually believe that it is okay to kill these children because of our lust. Our children in this country are reasonably confused if what is most important to us  is moving on to the next spouse and getting rid of the children we don’t want. No wonder we are so messed up. Where is the worth in all of this?

I have felt like suicide many times because of what I’ve done. Who am I to make such a choice as I made? It wasn’t mine to make. Sometimes, or pretty much all the time, I live with such guilt over what I’ve done. I can never make it right. I know that only God can forgive my sin. I try to forgive myself. It has been 20 years and it just doesn’t get any easier.

Now my husband and I have been married for over 13 years. We met when I was already graduated from college. Both my sisters knew him. He has been such a fine Christian example to me. When we were starting to think about marriage I told him what I had done. I was terrified to do that, but he listened and then he said he wished that we could have met before al that so it wouldn’t have happened to me. He was so sweet to me then and still is. He knows that it was the absolute worse thing that ever took place in my life. He also know that it’s important to me to try and help other girls and women out there who may be thinking about it or suffering from the consequences. The memories never go away, never.

I have had dreams about my baby. I have thought I heard a baby that wasn’t one of my children living in our house. A voice that is there with all the rest silent. It is mortifying to know that there is no way to make it right in my own power. Only to let God have the sin and try to learn from what has happened.

It has been hard for my husband to deal with me in my depression and anger all this time. I haven’t been easy to live with. In some ways I keep trying to punish myself for what I did. It’s hard to realize that God can and will take it all if I just let Him.

I tried to tell myself for a long I time that I wasn’t pregnant way back then, that there was no baby. But deep down I know that it’s so. I was about 12 weeks along when I had the abortion—in March.  Every March is the same no matter what. I feel different and more on edge. Sometimes I don’t connect it until it hits hard. This was the time that it happened. I wonder what really wonderful things my young boy, now at least 20 years old, would be doing. I wonder what it will be like to see him in heaven someday and to tell him, well just to see him because no words could ever say what I would need to say. I am all alone in our home right now—something that very rarely ever occurs. I feel so many things, but mostly sorrow and hope that no girl ever had to go through that pain ever again, ever.