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They Can�t All Be Edward Cullen
The world is awash in moony-eyed girls (and even grown women) who have fallen for the otherworldly charms of a fictional vampire named Edward Cullen from the Stephanie Meyer’s Twilight Saga; which now encompasses four books, two movies, and a countless minutia of marketing paraphernalia.
Readers across the globe have lost themselves in the tumultuous and dangerous relationship of the vampire Edward and his mortal girlfriend, Bella Swan. The reason for the adoration—the embodiment of a one-true-love, a perfect completion of ourselves, a rightness to our world that can only exist with that person known as our “soul mate” that is personified between these two characters.
A danger more insidious than a boyfriend who wants to drain the blood from your body is gripping single women in mass proportions. That danger is known as “soul-mate-ism.” Soul-mate-ism, a term coined by Dr. Scott Stanley of the Center for Marital and Family Studies at the University of Denver, is defined as:
The belief that you will find in a mate the one unique person on the planet who understands your deepest desires and fears, accepts all of who you are unconditionally and who becomes joined to you, making one complete whole in mind, body and soul. The power of this type of relationship is so great that you will know fully and rapidly when you find “the one.” Furthermore, if you have not married “the one,” you should move on.
Obviously, this extreme expectation can, and is, leading to a lot of heartaches as the majority of single women (94%) claim that “when you marry you want your spouse to be your soul mate, first and foremost,” according to a 2001 survey of 1,300 people ages 20-29 conducted by the National Marriage Project at Rutgers University. Also included in the study is the belief that 42% of single young adults believe that it is important to find a spouse who shares your religion. Did you catch that? Ninety-four percent believe in a soul mate, but only 42% believe in finding someone good for your soul!
In a section of his book, The Power of Commitment: A Guide to Active, Lifelong Love, entitled “Myths about Soul Mates,” Dr. Stanley writes, “Soul-mate-ism conveys an expectation of heavenly connection that makes earthbound relationships more difficult. As with any other unrealistic expectation, it can make you more disappointed than is warranted by the normal ups and downs of married life.” Marriage will be difficult because it exists on an earthly plane where troubles and concerns abound. The problem of adhering to the philosophy of soul-mate-ism is the inevitability of being disappointed by the one whom we once perceived to be our perfect complement.
As defined above, once your bright-eyed bubble of a world of never-ending love and adoration comes crashing down, you simply acknowledge the fact that “Oops! I didn’t marry my soul mate after all. Well, I better not keep him waiting any longer. See ya later, first (or second, or third) husband. My soul mate is out there somewhere, and I have to go find him.” Soul-mate-ism will lead to a life of discontent, sorrow, and loneliness.
In regards to whom one should marry, I would draw upon my “vast” ten-year experience as an “old married lady” and tell the throngs of “soul-seekers” that while our hearts, minds, and bodies (Ephesians 6:31; Hebrews 13:4; 1 Corinthians 7:3-5) may belong to our spouses, our souls belong to the One who made them. To put it plainly, don’t look for a relationship with your soul mate; look for a relationship with your soul’s Maker. He is the only one who truly offers a “happily ever after” (Revelation 2:10).
In his book, Dr. Stanley also states, “While I believe that what you do after you marry is the most critical factor in being successful in life, I and other marriage researchers also believe that making a wise, careful, unrushed choice up front is the very best way to begin a life with another.”
The advice I will give my daughter on whom she should marry will be, “Wait for the one whom you can’t live without in this life, and whom you won’t have to live without in the next. And remember, they can’t all be Edward Cullen!”
Bibliography
Stanley, Scott M. The Power of Commitment: A Guide to Active, Lifelong Love. California: Jossey-Bass Publishers, 2005.
Stanley, Scott M., “Myths about Soul Mates.” Boundless Webzine. 14 Nov. 2009 <http://www.boundless.org/aprint2005.cfm?url=http://www.boundless.org/2005/arti>
As an antidote to soul-mate-ism, Stanley advocates commitment. "It is deep commitment between two partners for life that makes it possible to have a profound connection." From CNN 8-9-09
