Through this series thus far on the lasciviously wandering eyes, minds and hearts of man, we have recognized:  the immensity of the problem at hand, that the problem is between man and God because the sin is against God, and that our wives are parts of the solutions, not the problems. In this culmination of our thoughts on abstaining from immorality we conclude that something must be done.  The question that might be on each of our minds is, “Where do I even start?”

What is the first thing you do when your computer is acting in a way that you can’t immediately troubleshoot and correct?  Let me give you a hint.  Always do this before calling the systems/IT guy to come look at it. :  restart the computer.  Something about this process seems to clear up about two-thirds of my technology issues.  Likewise, restarting the processes of a man’s mind, heart and body in a Biblical direction is the best way to rid his life of unhealthy desires, habits and addictions.  Realizing that the problem is internal and not external, we must not seek the solution by way of a change in the behaviors of those around us.  God will bless a man, however, if his contrite heart seeks an audience with Him to discuss how his own life might be able to change to achieve its potential.  For those who don’t have the strength, God is omnipotent.  For those that don’t have the answers, God is omniscient.  A good start is on our knees, (1 Peter 5:6-10). 

I’d like to discuss some principles God has shown us in His Word for our use as we begin the healing process.  Isn’t it obvious that we are sick spiritually when we are in this kind of position?  The Great Physician is calling us in our time of sickness to repent (Matt 9:12, 13).  Just like a headache or sore throat reminds us that we are physically sick, a wounded conscience and poor self-image alerts us that we are missing the mark spiritually.  I’m afraid the craze to treat symptoms is as prevalent in our own spiritual lives as it is in the prescription drug industry today.  There are no short cuts to being right with God, and sometimes his paths are difficult because of the choices we have made.  Difficult, in this case, is good.  It will teach us the lessons we need to learn to help us avoid ending up in the same position again.  The difficult healing is by far better than the slow death we experience while we are sick.  We might temporarily escape thinking about the sickness through rationalization, entertainment or work, but the sickness continues to eat away at us all the while.  We will never be able to overcompensate enough in other areas of our lives to make up for getting right with God spiritually. 

As stated by His son, God’s first and great directive to get and keep us on track is to “love the Lord your God with all your heart, with all your soul, and with all your mind” (Matthew 22:37).  We must start the “restart” process by putting God before us and all else behind us.  God Himself, after giving the commandments to the Israelites, followed up with a shockingly candid portrayal of what the future looks like for any man.  The future outlook depends on whether he follows God’s commands or not, (Leviticus 26).  Our stubbornness to change after being chastised by His Word time and time again infuriates him v (verse 28).  God’s warning about the future is a great example of His fatherhood to His people throughout time.  We will do well to warn our children at the right time of the consequences, however shocking, of wrong choices.  In Philippians 3:13, Paul describes the process of looking to the future based on God’s will as “forgetting those things which are behind and reaching forward to those things which are ahead.”  After exploring many life options, Solomon learned what the future focus should be.  He said, “Fear God and Keep His commandments, for this is the whole duty of man.  For God will bring every work into judgment, including every secret thing, whether it is good or whether it is evil.” (Ecclesiastes 12:13, 14).  Refer to our discussion in the July issue for more about the critical role our love for God plays in this healing process.

Ephesians 5:28, 29 has intrigued me since I studied it in high school.  “So husbands ought to love their own wives as their own bodies; he who loves his wife loves himself.  For no one ever hated his own flesh, but nourishes and cherishes it, just as the Lord does the church.”  A girlfriend of a close friend of mine told me of her frustration, sadness and anger over her boyfriend’s unwillingness to stop using smokeless tobacco.  She had tried everything she could think of to encourage him to stop.  The only reason she took the time to come to me was because she loved him enough to care.  Unfortunately, this scenario is common even in our marriages today.  We, as husbands and wives, do not properly understand the “oneness” connection that God meant for us to have.  What one does affects the other because the other is inextricably bound to the one.  Sexual immorality is a common perpetrator of harm to this bond. So are overeating, overworking, worry, materialism, selfishness, lack of prayer and study life, impatience, etc.  This connection of the one and the propensity to damage the unit are equally shared by the marriage partners.  However, it is the husband’s job to head this effort to seek the well-being of the unit just as Christ is the head of the church and gave himself for it even in its sin. What if Christ hadn’t come to earth and lived with men, (Philippians 2:7)?  What if He hadn’t humbled himself and become obedient to the point of death (Philippians 2:8)?  The church, you and I, would be doomed to hell.  Instead, Christ gave himself for the church, you and me, “that He might present it to himself holy and unblemished” (Ephesians 5:25).  Had Christ not held up His side of the relationship there would be no hope for any of us to be called holy and unblemished.  Husbands, our relationships may not be everything we want them to be.  I encourage us to place the responsibility right where it belongs, on our shoulders.  Do we want things to change?  We need to get on our knees with God and get right with Him; then we need to study ourselves to see what we need to correct in our lives, as heads of the units, in order to love our wives as we love ourselves.  Yes, it will be difficult.  Yes, difficulty is the right choice.  Yes, the reward will be so much more than worth it.  Like the church has no hope without a perfect Savior, the marriage has no hope without a husband willing to lead by relinquishing any and all sinful, selfish and unhealthy ways of life.  

It is a tremendous task for many of us to consider this level of change in our ways of life.  It would be easier by far to choose to do nothing.  Please consider the consequences of that decision before making it.  I don’t mind if you forget this article and who wrote it.  But please make a choice today to be the head of your house that God, your family, your church and the world need for you to be.  It will take this type of fundamental shift to retake the home, the country and the world for God.  Please read 2 Chronicles 28:22 – 31:21.  It only takes one generation of men to change the course of a nation.  It’s time for God’s families to prosper. 

Having looked into the tearful eyes of parents whose children have abandoned the faith, I have learned that there are a million miles between our children “going through the motions” in reference to their spiritual life versus our children possessing a heart that dictates their actions. In this column I hope to share with you what I hope to instill in the hearts of my own children and those whom I love.

Most of us know someone—even if we really do not know about “it” firsthand. It may be a high school classmate who “got into trouble” at the tender age of sixteen. Or it may be a coworker who was climbing the corporate ladder. Or it may even be the person sitting in the same pew with you on Sunday morning. Rare is the congregation in which at least one member has not had an abortion. Sometimes the secret is shared with close friends, ;  other times, it is literally taken to the grave. Having talked to several women (and even a couple of men) who made this “choice” I realize that it is often a decision made under great stress—and a decision that can leave scars for life.

Here’s what I intend on teaching my children about abortion.

With the exception of Claire, I had the pleasure of watching each one of you enter this world and take your first breaths—and I only missed Claire by two hours. (And yes, I am strongly considering making her wait on me two hours before walking her down the aisle, since she just couldn’t wait!) Each time we discovered we were expecting, your mother and I would quietly wonder, “Can we do this?” As our family grew, we wondered “Can we love another one as much?” The answer to both questions was a resounding “Yes!” Our love just continued to grow as our family grew. Now we cannot envision a world without each one of you. It is my prayer that you too will one day know the joy of being a father or mother. Our family is one of the deepest sources of happiness we know, topped only by the knowledge of our salvation through Jesus Christ.

While your mom and I have big plans for your future—including your impact and influence on His church—we are not so naïve as to think that those plans will unfold without a few hiccups and hurdles along the way. If the plans get brushed aside, please don’t throw away the entire blueprint! Paul, in writing about the “plan” for younger widows, observed: “I desire that the younger widows marry, bear children, manage the house,…” I hope you will always keep that divinely laid down order in mind. We are to marry first, and then have children. However, if that plan is lost due to a moment of passion please come to us. Please, please don’t have an abortion or consent to one.

Never try to correct a mistake by making another one, and please do not counsel anyone else to do likewise. Far too many people find themselves in a situation  situations in which they are unexpectedly pregnant and they feel the only answer is to abort the child. Without question, abortion stops a beating heart—just 18 days after conception, the baby’s heart begins to beat. You do not want to spend the rest of your life with emotional scars, always thinking “What if…”  I promise you that, with Christ, we can get through it, together (Philippians 4:13).  Never ever forget that we love you and you can always come to us!

Would your mom and I be humbled? Absolutely. Would it hurt? Definitely. But would we forgive you and help you turn a wrong into a right? Without question! Remember you can repent of your sins and ask for forgiveness, and God will forgive you (1 John 1:7-10). In fact, if this were to happen, I would hope that you would then one day have the courage to use your own experience to teach others.

Since your birth,  we have tried to remind you that humans are different from the animals. We were made in the image and likeness of God (Genesis 1:26-27). Every living human has been instilled with a soul (see James 2:26; Ecclesiastes 12:7). Please do not ever consider ending a life prematurely—rather allow us to help you train up that child so that one day it can grow up to become a child of God. Think about that tiny soul lodged in that little unborn child. Abortion is an abomination to God, and I hope you never forget that.

Love Dad

Yesterday she turned two. As I watched her “model” her new clothes and tear through packages, my mind couldn’t help but return to those weeks of waiting and working. She is our “seven-week special.”

On a hot and dry July day, the doctor came back with the news, “Unless things change dramatically, you’ll never have kids of your own.” We have many words in our English language, but none can describe the feeling of two twenty-somethings hearing that they will never bear children.

After some of the initial shock wore off, we proceeded with an idea. Over the next few weeks, a certain word would become very important to us.

In early August, my dad called. “How are you, son?” “Things have been better, but we’re okay.” “Son, I may know of something if you are interested. Let me do some checking and I’ll get back with you, okay?”

After he checked around, I found myself, late on a Friday night, on the phone with a woman in another state whom I had never met. The conversation went something like this:

“Yes, ma’am? I’m the person you’ve heard about who cannot have children. We have heard that you are thinking of placing your child with a deserving family. Is that the case?”

“Yes, it is. We simply cannot afford to have this child, and we want the baby to have a good home.”

“Thank you for not aborting this baby! We aren’t rich, but we will give that baby a good home.”

As I hung up the phone and knew that this was “the one,” a thought suddenly ran through my mind. This baby is due in seven weeks! How do we possibly pull this off?

Over the next several days, I ran up quite a cell phone bill, calling lawyers in two states, family, friends, and anyone else I thought could help. We drove over four hours to be fingerprinted because we didn’t have time for the prints to be sent through the mail—especially if the prints had come back unclear. With a strong hurricane season (including Katrina) wreaking havoc with gasoline prices, we still drove about 1500 miles just for this process over those few weeks.

Seven weeks to the day from that phone call to the mother—just 49 days later—we were in the hospital holding our precious gift from God - our proof of His providence. How it all happened, I will never fully understand, but I know that God’s hand was in the entire process.

Over those seven weeks, a word kept being said. I knew the word, but I never fully appreciated it. I had said it several times, but now I say it with much more force and appreciation.

She’s adopted.

Adoption is a beautiful thing, especially when you have seen it work. The New Testament mentions adoption in five places and, after having been through the process, those passages jump off the page with each reading. There is an interesting phrase in all five of these verses, though, that should draw the attention of every Bible student:

• Romans 8:15, “For you have not received a spirit of slavery leading to fear again, but you have received a spirit of adoption as sons by which we cry out, ‘Abba! Father!’”
• Romans 8:23, “And not only this, but also we ourselves, having the first fruits of the Spirit, even we ourselves groan within ourselves, waiting eagerly for our adoption as sons, the redemption of our body.”
• Romans 9:4, “…who are Israelites, to whom belongs the adoption as sons, and the glory and the covenants and the giving of promises…”
• Galatians 4:5, “…so that He might redeem those who were under the Law, that we might receive the adoption as sons.”
• Ephesians 1:5, “He predestined us to adoption as sons through Jesus Christ to Himself, according to the kind intention of His will…”

When we are adopted, we are “as sons.” We are a part of the family!

While being adopted into the family entails many things, notice three lessons every Christian can learn from adoption.

1. When we are adopted, we wear the family name. When our daughter was in the hospital, she actually had a total of two names, entailing 6 words! Now that the process is over, though, her birth certificate says “Faughn.” She wears our name. “The disciples were first called Christians in Antioch” (Acts 11:26). When God adds us to His family, we get to wear the greatest Name. Do we wear it well?
2. When we are adopted, we get to be a part of the extended family. At the hospital, we had family with bags, cameras, camcorders and more. We traveled en masse around that hospital because we are all family! Our daughter has aunts, uncles, cousins, grandparents, a great-grandparent and more. When we are adopted into God’s family, we have the greatest extended family. We have family all over the world! We have the greatest Elder Brother, Jesus Christ. Anywhere we go, we can be among family and enjoy a grand reunion.
3. When we are adopted, we get all the blessings of the Father’s house. Our daughter gets whatever I can give her. I may not have too much in the way of this world’s goods, but I give her all I can that is good for her. I can give love, care, compassion, shelter and, yes, discipline. When God adopts us into His family, He gives us the very best love. He cares for us more than we can ever imagine. He is compassionate because He understands what we go through. And, yes, He disciplines us when we need it. God gives the greatest blessings.

As she opened her presents yesterday, and as she played with a “boon” (balloon), I couldn’t help but think back two years. I couldn’t help but be thankful that God still works through providence. I couldn’t help but think of God’s blessings.

I’ve been adopted into His family, and I’m thankful.

Eds’ Note: Dr. Belihar is a faithful Christian who completed a highly successful career in the United States Air Force, retiring with the rank of brigadier general. During his tour in the military, he held a wide range of positions, ranging from squadron flight surgeon to command surgeon at United States Central Command under General H. Norman Schwarzkopf.

Medical ethics is moral philosophy as it relates to the practice of medicine.  Synonyms for ethics include beliefs, conduct, customs, ideals, integrity, principles, standards and values.  What one perceives as being ethical is often defined by his life experiences, secular and religious and are often developed during the formative period of youth.  My childhood and adolescence were spent in a small farming community out West.  As I reflect upon life in my hometown, my thoughts are filled with fond memories of friends, family, and townspeople, who profoundly influenced my perception of what is right and wrong.  They were good people - honest, patriotic, hard-working and God-fearing.  One person who was particularly influential in my life was our family physician, a man loved and respected by the entire community.  He was the Marcus Welby, M.D. stereotype.  He did it all: surgery, obstetrics, pediatrics and general medicine and did so in a kind, gentle, caring manner.  A man of integrity, his reputation was beyond reproach.  I idolized him and dreamt of one day following in his footsteps by becoming a physician.  Through his encouragement and the support of others, that dream became a reality.  I remember vividly my medical school graduation and for the first time hearing the title ‘doctor’ preceding my name. As was the custom, upon graduating from medical school we took the Hippocratic Oath.  I was aware of the Oath, but until it was administered, I was not fully aware of its contents.  Upon hearing the words, I had no reservations and responded affirmatively.  Legend has it that the Oath was written in the fourth century B.C. by Hippocrates, who is considered the father of  “modern medicine”. The translation of the Oath from the original Greek text is as follows: 

I swear by Apollo, Asclepius, Hygieia, and Panacea, and I take to witness all the gods, all the goddesses, to keep according to my ability and my judgment, the following Oath. To consider dear to me, as my parents, him who taught me this art; to live in common with him and, if necessary, to share my goods with him; To look upon his children as my own brothers, to teach them this art.  I will prescribe regimens for the good of my patients according to my ability and my judgment and never do harm to anyone. To please no one will I prescribe a deadly drug nor give advice which may cause his death.  Nor will I give a woman a pessary to procure abortion.  But I will preserve the purity of my life and my arts. I will not cut for stone, even for patients in whom the disease is manifest; I will leave this operation to be performed by practitioners, specialists in this art. In every house where I come I will enter only for the good of my patients, keeping myself far from all intentional ill-doing and all seduction and especially from the pleasures of love with women or with men, be they free or slaves.  All that may come to my knowledge in the exercise of my profession or in daily commerce with men, which ought not to be spread abroad, I will keep secret and will never reveal. If I keep this oath faithfully, may I enjoy my life and practice my art, respected by all men and in all times; but if I swerve from it or violate it, may the reverse be my lot.

Several parts of the oath have been removed or reshaped over the years in various countries, schools, and societies as the social, religious, and political importance of medicine has changed. Most schools administer some form of the Oath, but the great majority no longer uses the ancient version, which forbade both abortion and euthanasia.  Also missing from the ancient Oath and from many modern versions are the seemingly complex ethical issues that face the modern physician.  Apparently there were similar issues in the field of medicine over two thousand years ago to the extent that the Oath was created to define a physician’s moral position thereby distinguishing him from unethical practitioners.

It is evident to me in my thirty-nine years of practice, that there has been a trend toward a grey-scale of medical ethics.  Less and less appears black or white, only shades of grey.  This erosion, as I would characterize it, is a reflection of what is going on in society in general.  We have moved far away from the values espoused by this nation’s founding fathers, all of whom were Bible-believers!

Like the majority of my medical school classmates, I pursued a career in medicine for altruistic reasons, as well as the intellectual challenges and the distinction of being a member of an honorable profession.  Medicine has generally been thought of as having two dimensions, the art and the science.  There is, however, a third dimension that is getting increased emphasis; that being the business of medicine.  In recent years there appears to be an increasing number of individuals entering the profession primarily as a means of making money.  The pursuit of increasing the ‘bottom-line’ has given rise to unscrupulous business practices that in my view constitute a serious breach of medical ethics.  I recently saw an elderly widow who was paying over nine hundred dollars a month for dietary supplements.  She said that they were recommended and sold to her by her physician.  There are many who likewise prey on the doubts, fears and lack of knowledge of their patients.  This abuse is not uncommon and is manifested in many ways.  It is shameful and unfortunate.   

Unscrupulous business practices, abortion, and end-of-life concerns, including euthanasia, are some of the primary medical ethics issues of today.  It has been my observation that those who engage in unethical practices are generally comfortable with their position and don’t perceive themselves as being unethical.  How is this possible? We each have our own moral compass that guides us.  Hopefully, that needle points in the direction of God’s will.  The Bible is replete with Scriptures that provide a firm foundation for the establishment of medical ethics.   The Word of God is not silent when it comes to the aforementioned issues.  In matters of business, there are many verses that provide guidance dealing with numerous aspects, including fairness (Deuteronomy 25:13-15), honesty (Ephesians 4:25), service (Matthew 20:28), personal responsibility (Romans 12:2) and reasonable profits (Luke 6:31).   The Bible teaches general sanctity of life principles such as: we’re made in God’s image (Genesis 1:26), we are not to murder one another (Exodus 20:13) and our body is God’s temple (1 Corinthians 3:16), along with some specific teachings that talk about the beginning and end of life. The following Scriptures are a few of many that mitigate against abortion:

God has a plan for every human being even before birth (Jeremiah 1:5, Isaiah 49:1, Psalm 139:16, Galatians 1:15)

Shedding of innocent blood is hated by God (Proverbs 6:16,17). 



There is a Biblical passage that relates to euthanasia, or so-called mercy-killing (1 Samuel 31:1 to 2 Samuel 1:16).   In this passage we learn of events surrounding the death of King Saul.  Here we find that Saul was wounded in battle and defeated.  He asked his armor-bearer to put him to death.  When that request was refused, he killed himself by falling on his sword.  The armor bearer did the same. David was subsequently told by an Amalekite that he had come upon a mortally wounded King Saul, and killed Saul to put the suffering king out of his misery. When David heard his rendition of the event, he had the Amalekite executed!  Mercy-killing is not justified by Scripture. 

End-of-life-related decisions, even in the waning moments of a hopeless circumstance are never easy, nor should they be.  Life is truly a gift of God and our goal must be its preservation. Since we all must die, every one of us will eventually have to personally experience the pain of having to make an end of life decision.   In spite of an abundance of fasting and prayer beforehand, one of the most agonizing decisions I have ever had to make was when my sister and I decided to discontinue our mother’s life support.  It is so hard to let go even in the face of inevitability.

As to medical ethics in my practice, I strive to serve my patients well, providing them the best advice, counsel and treatment I possibly can.  My aspiration is that at day’s end, I can head for home having merited the trust placed in me by my patients and having obeyed the will of the Father.

Man may define his ethics to serve his purposes, but in the end it is in light of God’s law that we will be judged.  (Ecclesiastes 12:14).

One of them killed his younger brothers in an effort to secure himself as the leader of the family as well as his nation. One of them was very good-looking and presumed he would be king despite the fact that he should have known better. The other two were priests who had illicit sexual contact with multiple women. What did these men have in common? They all were sons of men who are generally thought of as “good.”

Jehoram, a son of Jehoshaphat, killed his brothers—men who, according to God were better than he—in an attempt to secure himself as king of Judah by removing the competition (2 Chronicles 21). Adonijah, as the fourth son of David but oldest living son, presumed he should be king instead of Solomon and schemed to take the throne from his brother despite God’s injunction that He was the one who decided who the king would be (2 Kings 1; Deuteronomy 17:15). And, Hophni and Phinehas, sons of Eli, “made themselves vile” (1 Samuel 3:13) and were known to be “corrupt” (1 Samuel 2:12), despite being installed as priests in the tradition of their father.

How could these events have transpired given the caliber of their parents? After all, it is written that Jehoshaphat “sought the Lord with all his heart” (2 Chronicles 22:9). He “walked in His commandments,” had his kingdom “established by the Lord,” and “his heart took delight in the ways of the Lord” (2 Chronicles 17:4-6). David was “a man after God’s own heart” (Acts 13:22). And Eli was both the high priest and judge of Israel who tutored Samuel in ministry (1 Samuel 1-2). How is it that these great men’s children turned out so badly?

The Bible mentions specifically that Eli did not rebuke his sons (1 Samuel 3:13) nor did David rebuke Adonijah (1 Kings 1:6). The implication is that they did not seize the opportunity to remove the foolishness that is bound up in the heart of their children (Proverbs 22:15) and as such they became a shame (and in Eli’s case, a curse) to their families (Proverbs 29:15). While foolishness in young children is to be expected and often has limited consequences, ultimately, children grow up! Parents of young children have the incredible responsibility of training and nurturing young people who will eventually grow up to be men and women. While children are young and moldable, they must be trained to become men and women of character and integrity—lest they learn from someone else or have to figure out from the “school of hard knocks” a way to get by in this pilgrimage we call life. If the folly of youth is not replaced with biblical wisdom then everyone is the worse for it: the child suffers as an adult, his suffering and foolishness affect those around him—including the parents who brought him into this world, and society suffers because one who should be a productive member of society is instead a burden (Proverbs 19:3).

What can be done? I suggest we take a hard look at parenting the hearts of our children. By that, I mean we need to look deeper than just concentrating on the behaviors of our children and instead dig into their attitudes and beliefs. I believe we must express our unconditional love for our children while establishing biblical boundaries—and be sure that they understand both the love and the boundaries. And I recommend we recapture the responsibility to accomplish this through natural, as opposed to, artificial means—which means spending quantity time with them.

Attitudes over Behaviors—It Takes Time

Have you ever embarrassed your family or your parents by something you have done? Has your child ever returned the favor by embarrassing you with some public incident? Have you ever experienced a situation where your child “acted out” in public and brought unwanted attention to themselves—and you? Our first reaction may be to stamp out the behavior—to go after the child’s actions. And while there are certainly instances where that is the correct response or reaction, the old adage “an ounce of prevention is worth more than a pound of cure” comes to mind. Responding to a child’s behavior in an effort to squelch that particular manifestation of the folly in the child’s heart is not the same as being proactive and driving the folly from the child’s heart through consistent effort and discipline.

In the book The Dad in the Mirror, the authors called focusing on a child’s heart instead of only on their behaviors “digging up the roots of sin, not picking off apples and taping up oranges.” It makes sense. As human beings, we are inclined to concentrate on and even limit our attention to getting rid of unacceptable behaviors. We look at the outward appearance, but God looks at the heart (1 Samuel 16:7). We see our children misbehaving (publicly or privately) and we work to modify that behavior. It’s like the old weed killers that only kill the foliage above ground—eventually the weeds come back. Actions come from within, and as water provides a reflection of a person’s face, one’s actions ultimately reflect the true person hidden within his heart (Proverbs 27:19). The heart is the wellspring from which the issues of life come forth (Proverbs 4:23). Those issues will either be good or bad depending on what is put into or allowed to reside in the heart (Matthew 12:34-35). Wouldn’t we do well to give attention to securing our children’s hearts, changing their attitudes, and molding their beliefs rather than limiting our efforts to stopping what is unacceptable? We need to get beyond the futile belief that just because our children say and do the right thing in public or when we are around that everything must be fine and instead start getting to know that hidden person of the heart (1 Peter 3:4) as well.

In order to dig deeper and get at the root of our children’s behavior we must get to know them. Getting to know anyone takes time—lots of time—spent talking, laughing, loving, problem-solving, and playing. It requires parents to make manifest the love that they have for their children—that means it must be expressed beyond just words. Children are not pets—they need much more than food, water, a warm bed, and an occasional pat on the head or scratch behind the ears! Kids need to see, feel, and understand the unconditional love parent should have for them.

Unconditional Love and Developing Boundaries

When you think of Alex Rodriguez, Kobe Bryant, Tom Brady, Andy Roddick, David Beckham, or Tiger Woods, what do you think about? While some of you may be thinking, “overpaid sports star” what I want you to think about is how their compensation is directly tied to their performance. The point is that they are paid based on how well they perform—or have performed in the past. They are but extreme examples of the society in which we live. In most instances, we are valued based on what we “bring to the table,” what we can do for someone else, what we can produce, or what benefit we are to society. However, is there a place where performance should not be the driver to how successful one is or how loved one feels? The answer is “yes” and the place is within the home. Home should be a safe haven—a place where kids can go and know that they are loved for who they are—not for what they do.

When children believe (know) they are loved they are much more likely to share thoughts and feelings. If they know how much their parents care, they are more interested in caring what their parents know. They actually welcome the interaction! They know they do not have to make every decision with which they are faced and that they have at least one person (or two people) on their side—an advocate, if you will. Children know they are not perfect—they hear about it constantly from their peers and others. What they need is to know that they are still loved despite their imperfection—they need to know the love the Father Himself modeled for us (in that while we were yet sinners Christ died for us).

In conjunction with the unconditional love that needs to be evident to children, they also need to be aware of their boundaries. Most babies relish bundling—wrapping them in a blanket so that their arms and legs are not flailing around. They like the warmth and security of the cocoon their mom or dad makes for them. My recommendation: Don’t stop bundling! Children thrive in an environment where they understand there are limitations on what they are allowed to do—and as a result there is security in knowing they will only be faced with decisions and issues which they can handle.

Corrie Ten Boom, author of The Hiding Place, described how she had the opportunity to travel with her dad by train on one of his jobs. As an inquisitive youth, she seized the opportunity to ask her dad many questions about mature topics. In his wisdom, her dad told her that some of the things she wanted to know about were topics she was not quite ready to hear and process. After they arrived at their destination, he brought the lesson home to her by asking her to carry his bag. She explained that he knew she could not carry his bag—she simply was not strong enough or ready to carry it yet. As he picked up and carried his own bag he replied that she would be able to carry his bag one day, and that likewise there would come a day when she could handle the answers to the questions she had asked. This wise father understood the need for limits—a time and place for everything.

If all our children understand is that “Dad or Mom said do this and don’t do this” but they do not understand why, they are apt to want to do the wrong and avoid the right all the more. They will begin to doubt our wisdom and begin to believe we are keeping them from having fun instead of looking out for their best interests. Just like you wouldn’t bundle a teenager, make sure that as they grow and mature their boundaries grow with them. As they take on more responsibility, allow them a little more liberty (within the confines of biblical principles).

Parenting the heart is about much more than ensuring our kids say and do all the right things. It’s about giving attention to developing the attitudes and beliefs that ultimately dictate their behavior. It’s about modeling the love of the Heavenly Father by showing unconditional love, always being available to our kids, and developing boundaries that foster a healthy environment for their growth—physical, mental, emotional, and spiritual.

Parenting the heart takes a serious and intentional investment of time, but the returns are worth it in the long run. If you could ask Jehoshaphat, David, or Eli, I bet they’d tell you the same thing.