The Israelites have come back from Babylonian captivity and are attempting to rebuild the wall around the city of Jerusalem. Now, in the middle of the work, they’ve run into a problem that threatens to stop the work and destroy their progress. .

There are three groups in trouble in Jerusalem. There are those with no land, but who need food. There are landowners who have mortgaged their land to buy food in the time of famine. And there are those who have had to borrow money to pay their taxes.

There is a fourth group of Israelites who are loaning them money at interest and requiring their family members as collateral. Because some of the debtors have defaulted, these creditors have taken some of their children as debt-slaves (Nehemiah 5:5). These loan sharks are not enemies from the outside, but their fellow Jews (notice verse 7 - “I rebuked the nobles and rulers, and said to them, ‘Each of you is exacting usury from his brother’” emp. added).

Nehemiah was not a politician who asked, “What is popular?” or a diplomat who asked, “What is safe?”, but a true leader who asked, “What is right?” The way he dealt with the problem is a case study in biblical confrontation. From this passage of God’s Word, we can learn seven keys to biblical confrontation.

When you must confront to correct a wrong, take a note from Nehemiah’s life:

First, manage your anger in the right way.

(5:6 - “And I became very angry when I heard their outcry and these words.”)

In his work, The Nicomachean Ethics, Aristotle said, “Anyone can become angry. That is easy. But to be angry with the right person, to the right degree, at the right time, for the right purpose and in the right way – that is not easy.”

Anger, in itself, is not evil. Jesus became angry. Mark 3:5 records, “And when he had looked around at them with anger, being grieved by the hardness of their hearts…” Jesus was angry, and yet He did not sin (Hebrews 4:15).

Mismanaged anger is sinful. Anger increases our danger for sin. For this reason, Paul, (who knew much of anger prior to his conversion) wrote, “Be angry and do not sin” (Ephesians 4:26).

Anger is a God-given emotion designed to stir us to action in doing good.

Second, get into the right frame of mind.

Nehemiah did not react based on  his emotions alone. He said in 5:7, “After serious thought…” If you look to the literal translation, it would read something like, “My heart reigned as king over me.” It involves mastering your feelings. What Nehemiah is saying is, “I mastered my feelings and discussed the options within myself.”

Third, talk to the right people.

Nehemiah said, “I rebuked the nobles and rulers, and said to them…” (5:7). Our problem is that we would rather talk about people than to people. Often, we would rather destroy a person’s reputation than restore the relationship with them.

Gossip is when we talk to people who are neither part of the problem nor part of the solution.

Let me encourage us to follow the Matthew 18 principle when we need to confront others. Jesus said, “If your brother sins against you, go and tell him his fault between you and him alone. If he hears you, you have gained your brother” (Matthew 18:15, emp. added).

Notice that first you go alone to your “brother” – not to your friends and not to someone else that you hope will solve the problem.

Note also that you do not go to give him a piece of your mind. (Most of us do not have enough of a mind to give any of it away!) You go to him with one goal – to gain your brother, to restore a broken relationship. If your purpose is simply to get something off your chest, to vent your anger, or to get even – don’t go!

“But if he will not hear,” Jesus said, “take with you one or two more, that by the mouth of two or three witnesses every word may be established” (Matthew 18:16, emp. added). If your honest effort to restore the relationship and solve the problem fails, find one or two more people to help. A word of caution: Make certain that those who you take with care about the person as well as about you. Make sure they are spiritual people who are looking for biblical reconciliation. Never take with you those who only want to punish the offender. The purpose of this meeting is to be therapeutic, not punitive.

“And if he refuses to hear them, tell it to the church” (Matthew 18:17). When your best efforts to restore a fellow Christian fail, then it becomes necessary to ask for the help of the Church. Again, the purpose of such an action is to encourage the members of the Church to help the offending Christian to correct his error and to be restored.

“But if he refuses even to hear the church, let him be to you like a heathen and a tax collector” (Matthew 18:17). When you have done all that you can to restore the relationship and still the offender refuses, it becomes necessary for the Church to treat the offending brother as though he were not a brother at all. This does not mean that the Christian is now our enemy. The purpose of withdrawal is not to purge church rolls or no longer to feel any concern for him. The purpose is to allow the offender to continue in sin so that he will come to understand its detrimental consequences and return to God and to us. We can never stop loving him or desiring his return to God and to us. Paul said, “But as for you, brethren, do not grow weary in doing good. And if anyone does not obey our word in this epistle, note that person and do not keep company with him, that he may be ashamed. Yet do not count him as an enemy, but admonish him as a brother” (2 Thessalonians 3:13-15). The purpose of withdrawal is not punishment, but rather it is a final effort to restore and save a lost soul. “In the name of our Lord Jesus Christ, when you are gathered together, along with my spirit, with the power of our Lord Jesus Christ, deliver such a one to Satan  for the destruction of the flesh, that his spirit may be saved in the day of the Lord Jesus” (1 Corinthians 5:4-5).

The circle of confrontation should be as wide as the circle of offense. In the case in Jerusalem, this sin was widespread and known publicly. Therefore, it had to be dealt with in a public way. “So I called a great assembly against them…” (Nehemiah 5:7).

Fourth, use the right tone.

Appeal in a reasoning way. Notice that Nehemiah said, “Should you not walk in the fear of our God because of the reproach of the nations, our enemies?” (5:9). In verse ten he said, “Please, let us stop this usury.”

Appeal to your example (and have one). Nehemiah talked about what he and others had done: “According to our ability we have redeemed our Jewish brethren who were sold to the nations. Now indeed, will you even sell your brethren? Or should they be sold to us?” (5:8). In verse 10 he said, “I also, with my brethren and my servants, am lending them money and grain [without interest].” People lose moral authority to effect change if they are not doing right themselves.

Appeal to Their Conscience. He reminds the nobles that those whom they are hurting are a part of their own family. In verse eight he said, “‘…will you even sell your brethren? Or should they be sold to us?’” When they realized the truthfulness of this statement, “then they were silenced and found nothing to say” (emp. added).

Fifth, press the issue to the right point.

Too often, we allow our anger to take our focus away from the real problem. Confrontations begin to escalate when we attack people because of problems, instead of confronting to solve problems. The purpose of confrontation is to solve the real problem - not to win, not to hurt – but to find solutions to the real issue.

In verse seven Nehemiah said, “After serious thought, I rebuked the nobles and rulers.” When he went to the right people about the real issue “then they were silenced and found nothing to say” (5:8).

Sixth, ask them to do the right thing.

Anyone can complain. Anyone can point out the problems. The difference between those who will advance in business and in life and others is that those who advance not only see the problems, but they go to the right people and they offer solutions. Employers do not need more problems. They need solutions.

Ask for a specific commitment. Nehemiah offers a specific solution. “Please, let us stop this usury. Restore… their lands, their vineyards, their olive groves, and their houses…” (5:10-11).

Ask for an immediate commitment. “Restore now to them, even this day, their lands, their vineyards, their olive groves, and their houses” (5:11).

The result? “So they said, ‘We will restore it, and will require nothing from them; we will do as you say’” (5:12).

Seventh, help them stay on the right track.

Nehemiah records, “Then I called the priests and required an oath from them that they would do according to this promise” (5:12). In verse 13, he said, “Then I shook out the fold of my garment and said, ‘So may God shake out each man from his house and from his property who does not perform this promise. Even thus may he be shaken out and emptied!’”

Because he confronted the right way, Nehemiah saw the right results:  “Then the people did according to this promise” (5:13). When we confront in the right way, the right One gets the glory. Notice verse 13 - “And all the assembly said, ‘Amen,’ and praised the Lord.”

God help us to confront according to God’s way!

            Recent statistics show that about 60% of women over the age of 16 are either employed or actively seeking employment. The female sector comprises about 46% of the U.S. labor force (U.S. Department of Labor). Also significant, from our vantage point, are the kinds of work that women are doing today. In the 1950's, women were typically working in fields with other women and children. Many were schoolteachers and nurses. Large segments of those workers were also secretaries, working in offices with men, but generally finding themselves in different social circles from their higher-paid bosses. Today, lots more women are working in high paying, even high-tech arenas. My friends work long hours, side by side with men, as computer programmers, aerospace engineers, and medical professionals. They are actually in the presence of male co-workers for the majority of their waking hours.

            This article is not to discuss the effects of feminism on the economy or even on society in general. This is about protecting our homes from adultery. However we slice it, this evolution in the gender picture at work has profoundly and negatively affected the strength of the American family. When a woman works closely with a person of the opposite sex for more hours each day than she sees her husband, it only takes a little chemistry for temptation to rear its ugly head at the workplace.

            Let me begin by stating an unpopular but obvious truth. Our homes are better off, particularly when the children are growing up, with Mom at home. I do not see how we can apply the eternal principles of Deuteronomy 6:4-8 (all-day-long teaching) when we have our children for only about a third of their waking hours, and into these hours we are trying to cram all of the chores, shopping, cooking, dinner, and any extra-curricular activities. I think Titus 2:3-5 clearly teaches that the most important career for a Christian woman is to be a home-keeper. I believe it’s a stretch to think we can work forty hours a week and have enough left of ourselves to joyfully keep and protect our homes physically, emotionally, and spiritually. I think we have to journey away from God’s Will and into the culture of our day to convince ourselves that it’s a good plan for mothers to place their children’s souls in the care of others day after day.

            Having said all of this, let me hasten to add that I have seen desperate situations in which mothers had to be in the workplace. For those mothers who truly find no alternative, I offer my support and prayers. May God help them in this and every decision provide for and protect those little souls who are dependent on them.

            So what precautions should working women take to guard their marriages from adultery? First, it’s important to remember that adultery doesn’t begin in the bedroom. It begins in the boardroom, the office, on the ball field, or at the mall. It doesn’t begin with intimacy. It begins with a look, a comment, a conversation, or a hug. Satan can get us incrementally when he can’t get us all at once.

How Can We Prevent Adultery?

            Here are some terribly antiquated rules to follow to safeguard an institution that is itself as old as the Garden of Eden. (Remember God’s Word is very old!)

1. Avoid being alone with any man. If you make this a general rule of thumb that applies to all men of all ages, you won’t have to deal with any claims that you are prejudiced or just don’t like certain men. Work in areas where there are lots of people. If you have to go to a private room, keep the door open.
2. Don’t go to lunch alone with a man. No exceptions.
3. Be accessible by phone and/or email to your spouse at all times of the day.
4. Don’t ever share relational problems you may be experiencing at home with a man at work.
5. Don’t flirt or participate in electronic conversations. People at work talk about ridiculously personal things (the way someone’s bottom is showing as she gestures at the plans spread out on the table, the frequency with which a woman has to go to the bathroom, the way a man’s pants are unzipped, etc…). Avoid personal conversations. When you begin to feel that lines of discretion are being crossed, change the subject. If you feel that someone is flirting, say something about your wonderful spouse. (This works every time.)
6. If you ever feel a physical attraction or “chemistry” with a person of the opposite sex, get yourself immediately out of the situation (change projects, change jobs, ask for a transfer, etc.). Do what Joseph did in Genesis 39:13. Never put your marriage at risk.
7. Share details of your day openly and honestly each evening with your spouse. Never lie to your spouse about anything. Every totally honest day you spend with your spouse strengthens the barriers you are erecting against adultery.
8. Speak often and glowingly about your spouse when you are at work.
9. Whenever possible, avoid taking assignments that will take you out of town for lengthy periods of time without your husband.
10. Avoid projects that demand lots of overtime, especially projects that would keep you apart at bedtime.

The Internet

            You don’t need statistics to know I’m accurate in telling you that internet relationships are a serious threat to our marriages in the twenty-first century. I can tell you from just observing people I thought I knew quite well and from watching these same people wreck and ruin innocent lives, that when we begin spending seemingly innocent private time on the computer, the anonymous relationships we form in chat rooms and on web sites can turn into spiritually deadly trysts in the bedroom. I learned that my friend Janice, after twenty years of marriage to a faithful gospel preacher, had left behind her husband and two teenage children to travel across the country and move in with a man she met in a chat room. I learned that my friend Sam was losing his job as a gospel preacher because his computer pornography addiction had led to physical acts involving women in the Church. I learned that my friend Mary Ann had walked in on her husband…again…as he closed the door to his home office and nurtured his perverse pornography habit to the neglect of his three young children and his beautiful and dutiful Christian wife. I learned that my friend Dara recently discovered the “other” life her husband had been living for the past 15 years. Her husband Tim was a computer programmer. His own personal computer, when finally examined after one slip-up, let his wife know there was an infidelity problem. It revealed a long, deceptive, sordid tale of pornography addiction and repeated liaisons with women even as he served their congregation as one of its ministers. Many counseling situations have found me sitting across the table from a wife whose world has just collapsed because of behavior triggered by internet misuse. It used to take a lot of rather bold immoral behavior to engage in conversation and liaisons that might escalate to an affair, but now that behavior is easily concealed and solicited by lonely people in chat rooms and on instant messaging services in your most private world. Pornography formerly required going into a store and purchasing magazines or going to an adult movie store for a rental. At least that was a deterrent for one who was the least bit concerned about reputation. But the devil now peddles pornography in private perverted sanctuaries. He has successfully removed the stigma, and he loves it when we step on the path to ruin thinking, “No one will ever know.”

So what can women do?

• Keep computers in open and busy places in your home.
• Purchase internet guards that are reliable in blocking pornographic material from your computer.
• Stay out of chat rooms in which you talk to people of the opposite sex you don’t know.
• Don’t get on the computer at night after your husband goes to bed. Go to bed with your husband.
• Use your email server’s blocking service to automatically delete emails that have sexual content. Most servers have the ability to delete emails that contain certain words. I have blocked all emails with heading containing the words breasts, Viagra, sexy, sex, fantasy (and lots more that I won’t include here). This is a simple step to take, but your email content will be much less provocative if you do this at the outset.
• When suggestive emails do get by your guards, hit “delete.” Never open questionable emails from people you don’t know. If you accidentally delete an email you needed, the sender will find another way to contact you. Take precautions. Sometimes one click can put an image in your mind that you can’t easily erase.
• If you already have a problem with pornography, quit cold turkey. Any attempt to wean yourself away from this temptation is merely feeding the addiction. If after quitting, you have a relapse (even one time), then set up an accountability system by which you will report to a responsible person daily. Tell someone outside of your family about the problem. Choose someone you respect. Then set up a daily communication system with this person, so you know every day that you are committed to honestly “coming clean” with him/her about your addiction. If you still have relapses, seek professional Christian counseling and therapy.
• Stay away from www.myspace.com. This popular social utility remains largely unprotected from pornographers and sexual predators.
• Always err on the side of caution. If you veer into an area of internet use that makes you uncomfortable, whether it is a web site or a conversation via internet, just click away. Just as surely as you are always a click away from temptation, you are always a click away from safety. Just remember that the devil works very subtly. What is fun, interesting and just a little risqué at first can lure you into deeper waters. The temptation to do something you never dreamed of doing doesn’t appear with sirens and warning signals on your screen. It happens in a slow progression, and you’re suddenly more intimately and deeply involved than you ever could have imagined.
• If thy computer offend thee, cut it off (Matthew 5:30). If you find your computer is a negative obsession or a constant temptation and you just can’t overcome it, then get rid of it. If you have to change jobs to get away from it, change jobs. Whatever sacrifice it takes to preserve your marriage and ensure your salvation is a small price for eternity in Heaven. I’d rather be totally illiterate in Heaven than be the most computer-savvy woman in Hell.

Works cited:

U.S. Department of Labor (2007) Quick Stats 2006 [On-line] URL:   http://www.dol.gov/wb/stats/main.htm

“Nature abhors a vacuum.” This phrase expresses the idea that empty spaces are unnatural as they go against the laws of physics. If there is a vacuum, nature will fill it with something very quickly. This rule can be applied to children and teens in respect to the choices they make regarding right and wrong.

Without a moral compass by which to guide their lives, teenagers will fill their concepts of honesty, dignity, and sobriety with just about anything thereby leading them in tumultuous directions.

I’m reminded of the movie “Big Daddy” starring Adam Sandler—a movie that one would not recommend for Christians. Sandler’s character decides to raise his adopted child differently than he was raised. The boy is encouraged to do what he wants and hilarity ensues as he wears a colander on his head to school and changes his name to Frankenstein. Sandler’s character believed that he was encouraging a good relationship as he acted more like a friend than a father.

Children, and especially teens, don’t need friendships from their parental figures. They need guides who will help them see what is right and wrong in this world. Teenagers will challenge the rules you set as they work to understand them, but when you hold fast to what you believe, they will respect you and see the value in what you say as lessons are learned.

A solid definition of morality is lacking in many families. When parents are more concerned about the quality of the marijuana than abiding by the law, there’s something wrong. As laws are deliberately broken, teens and children are taught to disrespect authority-- including teachers, court systems, and even the very parents that taught them the faltering philosophy of “live by your own rules.” Also, when the moral compass of the home is guided by the “feels good, do it” or “I’m not hurting anyone” principles, children will be left in the cold because these ideas have no real hold on a constructive way of life. They are nothing more than shadows of right and wrong that change with the blowing of the wind.

Furthermore, there are lots of things that feel good and there’s always a victim, even if not immediately evident, when poor decisions are made. For instance, I’ve never, in any form, been involved with drunk driving, but my car insurance premiums suffer because of the risk drunk drivers pose. Also, lots of women wonder who the fathers of their babies are, because, at some point, they did what felt good. How tragic.

Pleasure and pain are relative concepts that can be used to warp the minds of impressionable teens. All teens search for guidance. Hopefully, they can find it  in their parents and other responsible adults. If not, they will turn to the media world, where the goal is making money at all costs. Sex, drugs, and immorality sell, and your middle schooler may be buying. 

[Editors’ note: Dave Pelzer lived through a childhood that most of us could never envision. His childhood abuses still ranks him as one of the worst three cases of child abuse in the history of California. He nearly died on several different occasions at the hands of his mentally disturbed alcoholic mother. He recounts how his own mother would lock him in the bathroom with a toxic combination of cleaning chemicals, creating a deadly gas chamber that burned his skin and throat. He was beaten regularly, starved continuously, and kept in a cold basement, serving as a slave for the rest of the family. Having survived his nightmarish childhood, Dave has gone on to write three New York Times bestsellers, serve in the Air Force, and receive personal commendations from presidents Ronald Reagan, George H. Bush, Bill Clinton, and George W. Bush. Dave’s resilience and love for life provides a tremendous insight into relationships.]

Focus Press: Dave, we appreciate your taking the time to talk with us. Please take a minute and share, for those readers who might not be familiar with you and your story, a little bit of background about yourself.

Dave Pelzer: Well, as you know, I experienced a violent childhood. I was raised in the 1960s with alcoholic parents. I didn’t find out until many years later that my mother was very abused by her psychotic mother. So with her alcohol problem and her own demons, she ended up abusing me. I basically became one of the worst child abuse cases in California history. It was a very traumatic experience.

FP: Describe your early years and your eventual rescue.

DP: At age twelve, I only weighed 68 pounds and I was finally taken away from the home when the school nurse and several teachers stuck their own necks out. Everyone knew about the abuse. Every teacher I ever had. I mean we are talking about a kid in kindergarten who could not even pronounce a syllable. A kid in the first grade who smelled so vile that the other kids would actually regurgitate. A child that ate out of garbage cans. A child that showed up to school with burns and blisters above the palm of his hand up to the bicep, and yet my mother would allude to, “Well ‘the boy’ played with matches, and ‘the boy’ learned his lesson not to play with wooden matches.” It was one of those things where everyone knew there was a demon—an element that was causing this—but back then we didn’t talk about such matters.

FP: Obviously you were removed from your biological parents, which itself must have been very traumatic. DP: It was weird because a couple of years later when I was rescued into foster care, there were some professionals who announced to the world that because my abuse was so traumatic I would not make it. You must understand that age fourteen I was just beginning to learn to pronounce vowels; my hand would shake so badly I couldn’t write. I was a terrified little animal from another world, and I couldn’t adjust to this new world of foster care. Because my mother had forced me to use toxic chemicals for years, my fingertips were so numb I could barely dress myself, let alone tie my shoes. And this one doctor said out loud: “This guy’s not going to make it. He’s got two options: death or prison.”

FP: Tell me what relationships stand out in your past that helped you become the man you are today.

DP: Oh that’s obvious—my mother. Think about that. My mom made me strong. Why has my brother served as a police officer for the past 31 years? He’s there to protect and serve because of what he witnessed at home. See, I know what it’s like to be less than zero—to have absolutely nothing. And yet I had teachers who would say keep your chin up. Their message stuck with me. I know what it is like to have someone give you a look of love or to give you some compassion. I had great foster parents who would kick me in the pants—because they loved me and I needed it. My social workers helped me out. Ultimately, these people helped mold me into the person I am today. Because I’ll be quite frank—and I don’t mean to be so dark—but I should make Bin Laden look like a saint. I know what darkness is. After receiving so much from my mother, I should hate all women. And yet, I am one of the most blessed individuals I know.

FP: You now have a son, and find yourself in the unique position of wanting to make sure he grows up feeling loved and having a “normal” family. Your relationship to him is so diametrically opposed to the relationship you had with your own mother. What have you taught your son are vital components to a healthy relationship?

DP: Number one is we always communicate. I think that is vital in any relationship—on any matter whether it is business or personal. We had already talked about drugs at age two. I hope what I have done for Stephen is lead and live by example. He gets to see my follies. He gets to see if I’m too antsy or if I make bad decisions. But I believe this is important. So hopefully one of the key things I have given him aside from good communication is leading by example.

FP: What would be your advice to parents and children who are experiencing trouble in their relationship at home?

DP: Part of it is this: always keep the lines of communication open. Parents must lead by example. Do not shut out. A lot of parents shut out their kids because they get frustrated. Remember they are always learning from you. Because even when they roll their eyes, act like they’re not listening, and say “this is sooo boring,” they are still listening. And by leading by example and letting them know the standard, it is better. Also, I think we need to challenge our children for greatness. Too often we allow our young people to grow up thinking mediocrity is sufficient. Encourage them to strive for greatness. You have to be willing to strive for greatness. No mediocrity. We can’t live a life of: “O.K. I’ll study two hours on this final exam and then I slough off.” No. No. No. There has to be a certain standard! We can’t continue to accept mediocrity.

For parents, this is not a time to be mediocre. This is not a time to coast. This is a time to step up and be good parents, be Samaritans, to love our fellow man, and to help our fellow man. Also, don’t be afraid to tell your child the truth. Let them know bad things happen to good people some time. But let them know they will get through it. It’s alright to say “I don’t understand everything going on right now, but I love you and care about you. You’re being challenged right now, and that’s O.K.” We need to teach our children resilience. I always tell the young adults whom I work with in the juvenile halls and institutions: “Number 1, I am so sorry that you went through a divorce or were abused. I am truly sorry. However, if you can get through that then you can get through this.” If you can survive cancer or child abuse, then think about how much greatness you can accomplish.

There are a lot of people in this world who are unhappy, but they want the easy way out. See, in today’s world everyone thinks, “If I take this one pill, I’ll lose 500 pounds,” or “I’m going to gamble in the lottery and win a lot of money.” Rather than that, why not work on your relationship, or work on your diet, or work on your education. It might take years—but consider the payoff. Look at the component. They said I should be dead or in prison at age fourteen. Think about a doctor saying, “This kid’s not going to make it.” And yet I had the honor to serve in the Air Force and was one of only seven individuals trained to do mid-air refueling of the stealth fighters. We need to learn resilience.

FP: Do you not think that people who have been in the valley have a greater appreciation when they are on the mountain?

DP: Definitely! Look, the reality is everybody’s got junk in the trunk. It’s how we learn to deal with it. We need to learn how to purge that stuff out. Sometimes we worry too much about our dry cleaning, braces for little Johnny, or what happened years ago…we don’t see the big picture. To be able to look past that creates an opportunity for greatness. Because the reality is, we don’t know what we are made of until we are challenged. O.K., so I was smacked around for twelve years and my mother was sick. I know about the darkness and sickness. But by knowing about it, I can prevent it from happening in the future.  

[Editors’ note: Dave Pelzer lived through a childhood that most of us could never envision. His childhood abuses still ranks him as one of the worst three cases of child abuse in the history of California. He nearly died on several different occasions at the hands of his mentally disturbed alcoholic mother. He recounts how his own mother would lock him in the bathroom with a toxic combination of cleaning chemicals, creating a deadly gas chamber that burned his skin and throat. He was beaten regularly, starved continuously, and kept in a cold basement, serving as a slave for the rest of the family. Having survived his nightmarish childhood, Dave has gone on to write three New York Times bestsellers, serve in the Air Force, and receive personal commendations from presidents Ronald Reagan, George H. Bush, Bill Clinton, and George W. Bush. Dave’s resilience and love for life provides a tremendous insight into relationships.]

Focus Press: Dave, we appreciate your taking the time to talk with us. Please take a minute and share, for those readers who might not be familiar with you and your story, a little bit of background about yourself.

Dave Pelzer: Well, as you know, I experienced a violent childhood. I was raised in the 1960s with alcoholic parents. I didn’t find out until many years later that my mother was very abused by her psychotic mother. So with her alcohol problem and her own demons, she ended up abusing me. I basically became one of the worst child abuse cases in California history. It was a very traumatic experience.

FP: Describe your early years and your eventual rescue.

DP: At age twelve, I only weighed 68 pounds and I was finally taken away from the home when the school nurse and several teachers stuck their own necks out. Everyone knew about the abuse. Every teacher I ever had. I mean we are talking about a kid in kindergarten who could not even pronounce a syllable. A kid in the first grade who smelled so vile that the other kids would actually regurgitate. A child that ate out of garbage cans. A child that showed up to school with burns and blisters above the palm of his hand up to the bicep, and yet my mother would allude to, “Well ‘the boy’ played with matches, and ‘the boy’ learned his lesson not to play with wooden matches.” It was one of those things where everyone knew there was a demon—an element that was causing this—but back then we didn’t talk about such matters.

FP: Obviously you were removed from your biological parents, which itself must have been very traumatic. DP: It was weird because a couple of years later when I was rescued into foster care, there were some professionals who announced to the world that because my abuse was so traumatic I would not make it. You must understand that age fourteen I was just beginning to learn to pronounce vowels; my hand would shake so badly I couldn’t write. I was a terrified little animal from another world, and I couldn’t adjust to this new world of foster care. Because my mother had forced me to use toxic chemicals for years, my fingertips were so numb I could barely dress myself, let alone tie my shoes. And this one doctor said out loud: “This guy’s not going to make it. He’s got two options: death or prison.”

FP: Tell me what relationships stand out in your past that helped you become the man you are today.

DP: Oh that’s obvious—my mother. Think about that. My mom made me strong. Why has my brother served as a police officer for the past 31 years? He’s there to protect and serve because of what he witnessed at home. See, I know what it’s like to be less than zero—to have absolutely nothing. And yet I had teachers who would say keep your chin up. Their message stuck with me. I know what it is like to have someone give you a look of love or to give you some compassion. I had great foster parents who would kick me in the pants—because they loved me and I needed it. My social workers helped me out. Ultimately, these people helped mold me into the person I am today. Because I’ll be quite frank—and I don’t mean to be so dark—but I should make Bin Laden look like a saint. I know what darkness is. After receiving so much from my mother, I should hate all women. And yet, I am one of the most blessed individuals I know.

FP: You now have a son, and find yourself in the unique position of wanting to make sure he grows up feeling loved and having a “normal” family. Your relationship to him is so diametrically opposed to the relationship you had with your own mother. What have you taught your son are vital components to a healthy relationship?

DP: Number one is we always communicate. I think that is vital in any relationship—on any matter whether it is business or personal. We had already talked about drugs at age two. I hope what I have done for Stephen is lead and live by example. He gets to see my follies. He gets to see if I’m too antsy or if I make bad decisions. But I believe this is important. So hopefully one of the key things I have given him aside from good communication is leading by example.

FP: What would be your advice to parents and children who are experiencing trouble in their relationship at home?

DP: Part of it is this: always keep the lines of communication open. Parents must lead by example. Do not shut out. A lot of parents shut out their kids because they get frustrated. Remember they are always learning from you. Because even when they roll their eyes, act like they’re not listening, and say “this is sooo boring,” they are still listening. And by leading by example and letting them know the standard, it is better. Also, I think we need to challenge our children for greatness. Too often we allow our young people to grow up thinking mediocrity is sufficient. Encourage them to strive for greatness. You have to be willing to strive for greatness. No mediocrity. We can’t live a life of: “O.K. I’ll study two hours on this final exam and then I slough off.” No. No. No. There has to be a certain standard! We can’t continue to accept mediocrity.

For parents, this is not a time to be mediocre. This is not a time to coast. This is a time to step up and be good parents, be Samaritans, to love our fellow man, and to help our fellow man. Also, don’t be afraid to tell your child the truth. Let them know bad things happen to good people some time. But let them know they will get through it. It’s alright to say “I don’t understand everything going on right now, but I love you and care about you. You’re being challenged right now, and that’s O.K.” We need to teach our children resilience. I always tell the young adults whom I work with in the juvenile halls and institutions: “Number 1, I am so sorry that you went through a divorce or were abused. I am truly sorry. However, if you can get through that then you can get through this.” If you can survive cancer or child abuse, then think about how much greatness you can accomplish.

There are a lot of people in this world who are unhappy, but they want the easy way out. See, in today’s world everyone thinks, “If I take this one pill, I’ll lose 500 pounds,” or “I’m going to gamble in the lottery and win a lot of money.” Rather than that, why not work on your relationship, or work on your diet, or work on your education. It might take years—but consider the payoff. Look at the component. They said I should be dead or in prison at age fourteen. Think about a doctor saying, “This kid’s not going to make it.” And yet I had the honor to serve in the Air Force and was one of only seven individuals trained to do mid-air refueling of the stealth fighters. We need to learn resilience.

FP: Do you not think that people who have been in the valley have a greater appreciation when they are on the mountain?

DP: Definitely! Look, the reality is everybody’s got junk in the trunk. It’s how we learn to deal with it. We need to learn how to purge that stuff out. Sometimes we worry too much about our dry cleaning, braces for little Johnny, or what happened years ago…we don’t see the big picture. To be able to look past that creates an opportunity for greatness. Because the reality is, we don’t know what we are made of until we are challenged. O.K., so I was smacked around for twelve years and my mother was sick. I know about the darkness and sickness. But by knowing about it, I can prevent it from happening in the future.